Spiritual Journeying and Transformation – the Battle Within

 

In the great mystical Hindu text, the Bhagavad Gita, the main protagonist, Arjuna, is in the midst of a great war about to be waged.  But the battle is to be fought is against members of his own family.  His family members are divided down the middle, filled with nothing but anger for each other, the sound of conch horns all around.  His anguish over how he can move forward under such circumstances is what sparks his spiritual quest.  Some have said the battle is an allegory of dark and light forces within and the battles we all have to undergo.  This is something I can relate to. 

This last year has been incredible for me.  I’ve met Amma and been stunned at her presence.  I’ve had a 2 week silent retreat, and felt great solace in deep meditation.  But the most significant experience was to partake in an ayahuasca ceremony.  Every word that I say to try to encapsulate this experience seems to cheapen it and lead me away from it – a little like the first line of the Tao Te Ching ‘the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao’.  Some poems can touch upon it.  But no words can directly even touch the beauty of this. 

Every day there is more distance between me and the experience.  And yet.  My need to want to share this with others is still huge.  Because for years I had been reading about the idea that we are all one consciousness, that this individual ‘I’ is in part, illusory – we are all part of something far greater and something beautiful.  And ayahuasca took me there – it was a deeply awakening experience.  My ego consciousness dissolved, the little ‘I’ that makes that which I call ‘me’, was transcended.  The experience was both transcendent and imminent.  I was plunged into a deep sea of universal loving consciousness so vast, and so way beyond anything I have ever experienced, that I was just in floods of tears.  The love was unconditional.  I realised that beyond all our daily ego chatter, beyond everything we do or think important, this love awaits us all.  That daily experiences we term ‘good’ or ‘bad’ are all under the umbrella of this love. 

After that, I initially felt transformed.  But the experience is fleeting.  And once it leaves, the ego once more kicks back into place with all its chatter and dreams of self-importance.  I thought I was perhaps ready to leave the UK and go live in India in an ashram for a while.  And maybe I will.  Meantime, I’m drinking more alcohol, smoking like a trooper and involved in a relationship that plunges me back very much into the blood and guts of day-to-day existence, that I have been actively wanting to disengage from in order to pursue my spiritual dreams.  My family too, pull me back into daily life.  I don’t want to live in an ashram because I’m running away, however.  Spiritual experiences are our birthright.  We all need to know that we come from something that never dies.  That our bodies are temporary vehicles, housing us in lifetime after lifetime.  That at the heart of existence, there is great love.  And how much would our suffering lessen, if we knew this to be true on an experiential level.  How much more compassion we would be able to show others, and how much would we be able to drop some of our ridiculous ego posturing.  Perhaps by focusing on whether or not I make it to India, I'm missing the point -- there is always transformational work that needs to be done whatever continent I'm on.

But how do I reconcile what feel like irreconcilable forces within?  The force that draws me towards life, and the force that wants me to follow a more disengaged, renunciate, existence. And the battle against old habits which I know aren’t good for me.  There have been times when I’ve felt hugely torn, and like Arjuna, it can feel like a battle on an epic scale.  I can’t help but feel amazement – I’ve had the most amazing spiritual experience of my life and yet I’m still not kicking old habits to the kerb.  What is wrong with me?!  But I guess sometimes these things take time.  One idea is that we need to purify our thoughts.  Because where our thoughts go, action will follow, and where action follows, so habits begin, and then we are plunged deep in the dungeon of our karma, once again. 

Atheism has become popularised by the likes of Richard Dawkins, with his book, ‘The God Delusion’.  Some people believe that religions are no more than a comfort blanket, and a pretty skewed one at that.  But to jump on any kind of bandwagon without great investigation is to miss the point entirely, and to be a bit of a sheep.   We shouldn’t take anyone else’s word for what makes up this existence.  Life is too wonderful to allow ourselves to become blinkered and close-minded.  Because once you become an atheist, effectively you are shutting the lid on a pretty damn big set of questions, no?  How did we get here?  What is consciousness?  Could there be a God?  What is our purpose on this amazing planet?  Etc.  Until science can lay claim to 100% answers, then atheism is just a hypothesis.  And a comfort blanket in its own right.

These are questions everyone should think about – not just once and then dismiss.  We take so much for granted.  We worry about stupid little things of no importance, and our minds are full of clutter, some thoughts perhaps useful, some not.  We worry and get fraught when stuck in traffic.  We allow ourselves to freely rain down judgements upon others without examining ourselves first. We can become drawn into battles with desires, selfish goals.  Many people might believe their sole purpose in life is to become ‘successful’, because this is a notion our western society currently champions.  That to be rich, or famous, or respected, is what is important.  Is that true?  I believe it’s the journey that is important.  It’s all those in-betweens.  It’s the times when you were busy looking the other way.  To be successful or not is not the point.  To to find greater compassion and love for others, to live with our eyes and hearts wide open, is the point.  To be kind.  To follow our own true purpose, our individual callings – because we cannot lead the life another has proposed for us, only we can know what dwells deep in our hearts.  To allow ourselves a little joy that we are here at all.

Eventually, we will all get a call to deepen our awareness of something beyond our physical senses.  And the times of hardship in our lives are often the times when we seek answers the most.  Because at these times we realise the transient nature of everything, that nothing can be held onto forever.  It’s human nature to want to cling to our achievements, family and friends, whatever we think constitutes our ego identity.  But all of it will eventually slip away.  Religions try to cling onto their version of what God is – and some have distorted some very simple and beautiful truths.  Some people choose to follow a religion out of fear, or perhaps sheer exhaustion, life having given them a good kicking, they don’t want to think anymore, just follow meekly.  But they are not good reasons for becoming religious!  We should all do some work ourselves to find answers.  Humans have a natural herd mentality at times, we want to belong to a group (just look at the behaviour of some football fans!).  But we need to move beyond that, and do some investigative work ourselves to find the answers.  One reason I love the Baha’i faith is because it very logically says all religions point to the same God and that they all equally hold the same message.  Some people would say that this idea alone is blasphemy.  But we have to move beyond old, antiquated ways of thinking now and embrace truth, not fear-led superstition.  The times we live in urgently call for greater co-operation, not divisive behaviour.

Jesus said ‘love your enemy’.  Whether or not you believe in Jesus, what a powerful statement. Could he have been alluding to the fact that we are all one, all part of God, and therefore what we do to others we literally do to the self?  Either way, what a huge spiritual challenge, to ‘love your enemy’.  How many of us ever try?  Yet love is the most powerful healing force there is.  Carrying hate in your heart is self-poisoning.  In Buddhism, there is a meditation called the Metta Bhavana, the loving kindness meditation.  In this, you are encouraged to think kindly towards someone you struggle with – not hate, but have difficulty with.  The more often this is practised, the more you can begin to see the good beneath the flaws, perhaps even be able to see another’s reasons for behaving in a way you find difficult.  We are all odd creatures really.  We all see saw between feelings of compassion or annoyance, indifference and callousness and greater kindness.  We all have driving forces within we need to be aware of.  We always associate violence as being ‘out there’.  Yet the battle is very much inside.  We cannot transform another through violence, or hate, or anger, all these forces simply incite others to think or act in kind.

Love truly is the greatest transformational force there is.  We are already all on an incredible spiritual journey.  Just don’t take my word for that. 

Ayahuasca - my first experience: magic under the stars

Friday 26th April - Tuesday 30th April 2013 (4 nights)

"What you seek is seeking you.”  ~Rumi~

First night - Friday

It's taken me 2 years to go on this retreat, from first hearing about it from a wonderful man who communicated the beauty of his experience just enough for me to be intrigued and to allow that intrigue to carry me through the sense of inevitable trepidation.  I have joined many others in the huge privilege that is to drink the 'vine of souls', to find deep solace from Mother Ayahuasca.  And in doing it, I have finally joined my tribe and come home.  (I should add, it is likely that we drank Syrian Rue and not the traditional ayahuasca mixture.)

Something compelled me to do this retreat -- I understand why now. The first night I experienced a huge feeling of trepidation coupled with mild panic... what the hell had I been thinking? :)  One of the first people I spoke with said he had experienced an alien abduction on his first night (not an uncommon thing to happen on ingesting DMT, but still this was a bit alarming for both him and myself!  He was brave enough to go back for more on the next night and his experience was much better this time.)  

I drank the medicine, and as I lay down I thought 'oh shit, here we go!', as some 20 minutes later the visuals began to kick in.  At one point, I saw a demonic face peering at me through the large tent in which we were all 'dreaming awake', which initially made me recoil. And I just thought that underneath that scary looking image, there once was a human who allowed himself to become demonic through holding onto bitterness, hatred, etc. and I just showed this being, love.  And as I thought this, the face peeled back layers, showing a human being -- emotional pain clearly etched on his face. I remembered someone saying, 'whatever happens, show your experiences love'.  

The visuals were as trippy as I was expecting.  Dancing bugs, dragons, weird alien creatures, vivid colours.  There was one moment where I suddenly realised it was a bit like the moment in the film Contact, where Jodie Foster is in the machine waiting to go, and the walls change colour and she's off -- it felt a bit like that.  I felt normal reality start to dissolve and become overlaid by an entirely different reality. The music played throughout was wonderful, a mix of traditional icaros and deeply spiritual songs.  Just divine.

I felt blissful waves of gentle love at this point, but my ego was too distracting.  I felt I could go deeper, and so, when they asked if anyone wanted a second dose, I went up.  Part of me thought 'for the love of God, are you sure?!!' but part of me felt instinctively I needed to go deeper. 

After this second dose, my surroundings fully dissolved and we were all in the rainforest, one girl beside me transformed partly into a big cat, but the jungle loved us, it was pure love.  We were it and it was us -- really I felt that our being human was just a part of who we are.  I felt I was coming home.  At the same time, the fear of complete ego dissolution had sent me into mild panic - and I felt my body was going to dissolve into a thousand pieces if I didn't try to keep my ego involved by talking (the guy running the event had said, 'by the way, if anyone wants to die tonight, just die. It's only ego death anyway.' - But it was hard to let go.)  The helpers were amazing though.  One of them was stroking my hair, another holding my hand.  There was so much love in that tent that night.  One of them was grinning at my panic and said 'admit it, you're loving it, aren't you?!'  And I was, despite my concerns.  It was quite funny, the minute the medicine kicked in after my second dose and I purged, I was just lying there saying 'why did I do that... oh God?... WHY?!!' which made one of the people giggle.  And my panic meant I made a bit of a spectacle of myself, but the support and shared laughter was amazing -- I was so grateful to the people I was there with and the helpers for their support.  :)

Then I was back in the tent but the guy running the event was walking around in Native American headgear, and suddenly I saw him in what I felt to be a past life, I felt certain I knew him - it was the most extraordinary, sublime, moment.  I felt he had been a Native American and he was a leader somehow, a Shaman or Chief, perhaps. I kept feeling, and saying, 'I've come home'. This sense of overwhelming connectedness was simply a huge relief, and I felt overwhelmed with love, and I was crying.  And I felt so much love!  I felt that that the universe deeply loves us all unconditionally, that we are all connected, death doesn't matter because this is just a temporary experience, we are eternal beings, eternal sparks of divinity. Words seem like such crude tools in the face of such overwhelming beauty.

Later, when my ego was chattering away, I showed that love too, and I thanked it, thanked it for doing such a great job, it's perfect at what it does! I suddenly realised how rare it is for the ego to receive love. 

Later that night, at around midnight (time gets utterly warped after ingesting ayahuasca, four hours felt like about 10, but in the nicest possible way) I went outside to where one guy was busy keeping the wonderful bonfire alive.  I was sitting by the fire, recounting my experience with an amazing guy who also had links to Native Americans, looking up at the beautiful starlight night.  Really, I found everything I have ever wanted, in that one night.  I've been searching for God, for a connection to Mother Nature, for years.  I've been aching for it.  And that night, my call was answered, and I came home.

Second Night:  Saturday

So after this incredible experience, I was thinking 'what the heck more can I possibly need?' :) I felt it a bit greedy for me to stay and I had been thinking of going home on the second day.  But something compelled me to stay, I wasn't sure why.  The second night was a much more gentle experience, I asked Mother Ayahuasca if she could give me a gentle time of it, and she did.  I just enjoyed the visuals, and experienced waves of gentle bliss.  I'd also has a second dose on this night, but the experience was still not that intense.  Still, I felt there was more I needed to do.  I felt a bit vulnerable and unhealed still the following day. Other peoples shares were beautiful, too.  One guy got told he could download places he loved, that they were 'in his aura'.  One other guy said to us, 'hey, there is nothing to be afraid of people.  There is no real death, we're eternal beings'.  Later it felt like something was tweaking my thyroid (I've had an overactive thyroid for a while).  One of the helpers said later that angels were walking amongst us that night helping us to heal.

Third Night:  Sunday 

Again, I wasn't sure how I felt about staying for another night -- it crossed my mind, I dismissed it and I actually got to the train station and then realised I couldn't leave.  So I turned around and came back for a third night.  Instantly, I felt relief.  There was more I needed to do. Ultimately, this was not a decision I made.  I was called.  Beamed in by the Mothership. :)

This night I had what seemed a fairly decent sized dose, but I was still ‘half in’.  Comfortable, warm, safe, but aware of my ego. I was thinking of my parents and holding them and sending them love -- seeing their pain and feeling compassion towards them. (One thing that was quite interesting the next day was how all our experiences that night were to do with our parents - it was like a cool, psychic link that we all had.  That link was further demonstrated when anyone experienced difficulties as other people would send them love, and they would later say they could feel the love being sent - beautiful.)

The images I kept seeing were quite dark, dragons, demons etc.  But then a really fun thing happened.  The guy running the event put on a really light-hearted and fun song, and all of a sudden the scene changed, some cool chicks in luminious dresses started dancing to the music and a fire-breathing dragon joined in!  I was aware that my thoughts would change my trip and I tried to focus on love and send or give love to any dark images.  But then I started to think about thoughts of self-worth, inadequacy, all the things I’d failed at.  Then I got an answer: ‘failure is good, it keeps me humble, keeps me seeking God’.  

I asked the healing medicine how I could integrate what I learned, and I got told very firmly: ‘shed your skin!’.  I had accidentally left all my clothes on the coach upon arrival, and I thought this symbolic, I had to let go of my old identity, my various personas.  I felt very strongly that I came back for a reason, to help me ‘rebirth’, and to shed my old identity (or my old ways of seeing my identity).  I had also asked the medicine who I had been in this life, and I got 'medicine woman'.

Final Night:  Monday 29th April

“My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.”  ~Rumi ~

Wow, where to start.  I'd written in my diary of this night that 'I came through the darkness. I lost myself in order to find myself.  And the people I was there with, the Universe, God, Mother Aya, all perfectly supported/orchestrated, this'. Blimey!  :)  But that was how it all felt.

The medicine kicked in fast and hard.  It laid me out pretty quickly and tasted much more bitter this night.  Someone later said to me that the guy running it knew all the various brews etc. and that it might well have been slightly different.  I was feeling a bit shaky and nauseous. As we began, it felt like something was going to go down this night.  I felt lots of energy pouring into me, and I also saw Native American Chiefs with us.  I felt like our ancestors were with us that night, giving us their support.  

But now, lying down, I felt fear.  My ego started to kick in, 'I should have left earlier, I was asking too much by staying, there was nothing more I'd needed'.  I thought the guy organizing it had also taken a drink (it turned out he hadn't -- but I suddenly felt quite vulnerable as the other helpers were also drinking the tea that night).  One other lovely lady was experiencing difficulties and the guys were hugely immersed, having dosed themselves crazy!  I suddenly thought 'I'm on my own'. Panic crept in. My trip became dark, everywhere I looked there were demonic creatures.

Then I felt that this fear was what I needed to work through, that I had to come through this on my own. I got the sense that 'you can do this, you can come through this.'  Also I realised I wasn't alone, I had the support of everyone in the room, and our ancestors, spirit guides.  I silently asked the ancestors for help.  Meanwhile, it felt like my brain was being unknit, as though I were on the brink of insanity and fear was dancing around the edges.  The music felt discordant, everything felt very strange that night. But I got the very firm sense of 'you will get through this; you can!'.  I suddenly remembered I had wanted to work through fear, that this is one of the intentions I had initially held when coming to the retreat.  And a book I'd been reading earlier had been about  how to transform fear.  I realised there are no accidents, that everything happens for a reason.  I focused on the breath, and love.  I remembered it's all love, so really if I were to die, it is only death of the physical vehicle, it doesn't matter. I crawled on my hands and knees to the toilet.  And then I got the sense I should  'stand tall'. That I could stand among my ancestors and take my place among them.  It was a beautiful feeling.  I walked back to the room.  At this point, I felt I wanted to purge, and reached for the bucket, but I got the sense I didn't actually need to purge, it was symbolic of my rebirthing.  

Then, things became utterly mental but in the nicest possible way.  One of the guys who had received quite a large dose, started giggling, and rolling about on the carpet, just saying 'I'm in so much bliss!'   And giggling uproariously.  And this set off another guy who had also found himself immersed in a serious dose of loving, divine, bliss.  They were both in peals of infectious laughter. At this point, I couldn't help but join in, and feel enormous gratitude for my experiences.  And now we were immersed in some crazy, impromptu, Ayahuasca healing, after-party.  We got up and danced (a wobbly dance, as we hadn't quite come back to planet Earth, yet). Then we went out to look at the stars and wow!  They weren't just dots on a flat canvas, they were alive, pulsing orbs of intelligent energy, joining in our celebration.  Two of us saw shooting stars at that point.  We had group hugs and shared so much love and gratitude.  I found everything I had ever wanted and I know where I can go to find home again. I am still processing what happened, as it was the most beautiful event of my life to date.  And I hope I can 'shed my skin!' and move forward in a way that mirrors what I feel inside, even just a little bit.  Will I go back?  I hope to.

In modern life, the human spirit can feel so demeaned by so much, such as with allowing a job title to determine our identity.  Job titles can serve to diminish our spirit -- at what point did we decide it's more important to talk about what you do for money than who you are as a human being?  We can feel crushed and trapped by this one simple title - it serves to reduce us to a tiny fragment of who we are!  This experience has driven home how you are not your job.  You are a beautiful spark of eternal divinity.  You are more powerful than you can possibly imagine.  You can find all the love you can ever need by going inside.  God is within all of us, and no being is excluded.  We are all star stuff, and we can make magic by focusing on love and gratitude and compassion.  These are the tools we need to instantly transform ourselves and the world. 

I'm reminded of a recent snippet of an email I received:

Time = ILLUSION

Money = ILLUSION

Fear = ILLUSION

There is only love. And focusing on love is pretty transformative in itself.  Don't allow yourself to be dragged down by grief and despair, but lift others up to a place of joy with the light of your own spirit. And if you need help to do this, we have magical elixers such as ayahuasca to help us be all that we can be - to dream awake, to dance among the stars for a brief time. To go back home.  We are really not alone in this wild universe. 

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  ~Rumi ~

--And a clip from one of my favourite films, Jodie Foster from Contact

Religious evolution: a short manifesto

Christianity:  “The kingdom of heaven is within you” (from the words of Jesus)

Islam:  “Those who know themselves know their Lord”

Judaism:  “He is in all, and all is in Him”

Confucianism: “Those who know their own nature, know heaven.

 ”Taoism:  “In the depths of the soul, one sees the Divine, the One

”Buddhism:  “Look within, you are the Buddha”

Hinduism:  “Atman [individual consciousness] and Brahman [universal consciousness] are one”

from the Shaman’s Journey:  Supernatural or Natural by Ede Frecska M.D. (printed in Inner Paths to Outer Space)

So many people can become fixated on the differences within religions, and I can understand why. Some of the main religions teach there can be only one path, and only one God, and that anyone worshipping a different path is ultimately misguided.  Oh, and that might mean that they up off to a rather hot destination when their end is nigh.  People are judged not for their good deeds, but rather, which religious box they have happened to tick.  And religious people are arguing for their very sense of purpose, for the ultimate truth, the heart of all existence everywhere.  If you have been brought up your entire life to believe only one truth, it becomes very hard to accept anything else.

The tragedy is perhaps that while people are busy arguing over who is right, and incorporating their arguments into their egos, they can forget the essence of the spiritual messages that cross all religions.  The messages are simplicity itself, with love at the heart of them all. Love, unity, laughter, compassion, gratitude, humbleness are words that immediately spring to mind. And a deeper connection can be found only by going within, by deepening our spiritual journey. The spiritual path can sometimes seem a lonely one.  Going within is a job that requires nothing outside of yourself and only you can get you there.  Yet anyone who has been on a spiritual path for a time will tell you the rewards far outweigh anything previously encountered.

Religion can be incorporated into peoples' lives for many different reasons and we are very much fallible creatures.  To believe in a God, or an afterlife, these are huge concepts.  We're going to want to protect deep beliefs such as these as much as possible, and if our beliefs are very narrow, fear-based, or very deeply ingrained, the idea of allowing a little flexibility into the equation can be damn near impossible.  And that is perhaps a real tragedy if people are unable to see anything beyond the confines of their beliefs.  Their restrictions can lead to a life perhaps lived akin to the people in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, seeing the shadows of people cast against the wall of the cave and believing that world to be the ultimate reality.

Some people want to wear their religions like a badge, quote a little from the Bible, attend Church and yet, even whilst acknowledging the beauty of their belief system, they may be unable to allow that beauty to do its transformational work on them.  In this way, they are perhaps still more concerned with status.  They are less self-aware than they need to be in order to develop.  But haven't we all been a little guilty of this?  I remember when I used to go to Buddhist meditation while simultaneously thinking myself just a little 'cool' for being there.  The ego can be slippery and elusive!  We can't eradicate it but we do need to be aware of it.  Because religious beliefs can be so powerful, it is often hard for people to disentangle their beliefs from their true identity.  We all want to be right.  And if we believe there can ultimately be only one path, everyone else potentially threatens our position.  And some religious teaching can be a little like brainwashing.  There is simply very little room for ambiguity, for allowing other religious to co-exist, peacefully, alongside. 

This all might be OK, if say, there were only several thousand people on this planet.  But we currently stand at just over 7 billion people.  And there are some pretty urgent issues that need our full attention.

So how to go forward?  We need to pare things down to basics.  To being Humanists first and foremost, being kind to fellow humans and animals and our planet which lovingly sustains us.  And being kind for its own sake, not for an imagined reward in a life hereafter, not for fear that a God might strike us down.  We need to develop an attitude of compassion and kindness.  Blind faith needs striking off the list.   We should be able to test our faith by allowing ourselves to have our own religious experiences, whether through meditation, prayer, fasting, walking in nature or just being kind to someone.  We need to allow everyone else their own beliefs, providing those beliefs do not harm any other lifeforms.  Co-existence simply has to be the way forward.  Life on this planet is starting to feel a bit crowded, and we need to collectively turn our attention towards more urgent questions, such as the problem of mankind's impact on this world.  We can't do that so effectively if we are too busy fighting to protect our beliefs.  We are currently having a pretty devastating impact on this planet -- it's huge.  From the threats to coral reefs, the amount of rubbish we produce, to GM crops or the amount of trees we needlessly chop down.  We often don't want to acknowledge the mess we're creating, and we can find all sorts of ways to distract ourselves, from fighting about pointless things, to going on a consumerist binge through vast, soulless, shopping malls.  Our ability to walk through life, blinkered to all the terrible things that are currently going on, shouldn't be underestimated.  But we all need to participate more in the care of this world.  Turning a blind eye simply isn't going to work as a long-term strategy.  We're threatening our own survival as a species through our current actions.

Initially, for all those who are spiritual or religious, we need to allow ourselves space to worship, to feel reverence, but to back off and allow others to feel perfectly entitled to the same whether for 'our' religion, or a differing one without feeling the need to become self-righteous (or to relegate their belief system as being 'less').  Respect for other religions is key.

We need to be able to let go and allow gentle scrutiny to replace blind faith; and allow ourselves to be able to laugh at our indignant and childlike, egos.  The more self-awareness we bring into the whole affair, the more we develop understanding and compassion for ourselves and others.  I imagine the most judgemental people are the ones who practise the least self-awareness and humility. 

Ultimately, perhaps, we also need to lighten up.  We can take ourselves so very seriously. How would we act if we truly knew the heart of all life was love and joy, that we are truly all One consciousness experiencing itself subjectively (as Bill Hicks used to say!), and that God is perhaps being revealed at all times through endless acts of creation.  And,that at any minute if we stop and listen for just a second, we might hear the song of God, softly woven into the fabric of the universe -- just waiting for us to notice.